THE BOOK ON TIGER'S TEXT MESSAGES

Hey, book-publisher dudes, Tiger here: I was just sitting here in my den having a bowl of Froot Loops, watching a cartoon, and rubbing these two steel balls together, when this book idea hit me. Surely you guys know the Tiger Woods name is still big, as in large, even though I can’t win dook anymore when it comes to majors.

I’m still the golden arch of golf. Just ask any of my fans today—and they’re not all morons either like that guy in Golf Digest says. So here’s my idea: I text, you print, we’ve got us a book. I have a good title, too: Tiger Woods Is Not Dead in the Water Yet, or in the Sand, or in the Froot Loops. Here are some texts I’ve sent to people lately, just to get you excited. Got best-seller written all over it. Deal with Steiny on the coin:

Marko: I hope you understand I’ve got to make some drastic financial adjustments because of this bad economy. You can keep on washing my cars, but the fee’s gonna be half of what it’s been until things turn around. You’ll be OK, good buddy. Maybe I can think of something else for you in the way of lawn care.

Steiny: How you coming on the endorsement deals for bunkers and water hazards? You know I was in 22 bunkers and hit four water shots at the PGA. Shouldn’t that speak for itself ? Got a slogan for you: “Put your golf ball in sand or water and come miss the cut with Tiger Woods!”

Yo, Elin: I hear you’re dating. Why not? I did. I just want you to know you’ll always be one of the best things I ever bought for myself. Tell the kids to check out “Southern Fried Rabbit.” Funniest Bugs Bunny ever made. Watched it again last night.

Phil Swoosh: You’re my savior, babe. Keep those Nike checks coming. You know I’m
a team player. I’ll even wear one of those Oregon football jerseys people laugh at. Bring it on.

Stevie: Chill. When somebody put a bullet in Moe Greene’s eye, I didn’t get angry, I didn’t say a word, I let it go.
I said to myself, This is the busi- ness we’ve chosen.

Clarkey: Way to go at Sandwich, my man. Sure was fun to watch Lefty unravel on the last nine.

Lefty: Tough luck at Sandwich, bro. I really felt for you.

Marko: You forgot the inside of the windows, pard.

Yo, Elin: Just remembered. Tell the kids “Mutiny on the Bunny” is another keeper.

Folio: You came to me highly recommended, pal, but I’ve got to ask: What does Aristotle have to do with thumb pressure on the grip?

Phil Swoosh: Cough-syrup yellow on throw-up green? Love it, babe.

Rory: You got real unlucky with the wrist injury. I’d try that tree-stump shot again anytime. Keep working on it.

Marko: I have only one word for you today: hubcaps. Got it?

Stevie: I know it was you with Adam. You broke my heart.

Folio: OK, so I’m more like Tolstoy and Balzac on the take- away, now what?

Yo, Elin: Another good one for the kids. “Bugs Bunny Rides Again.” I couldn’t stop laughing.

Steiny: What do you mean we’re not with IMG anymore?

Phil Swoosh: Tuberculosis gray with lung-fluid citron? Works for me, babe.

Rory: Read where you broke up with the old girlfriend,
and now you’re dating tennis queen Caroline Wozniacki. Great looking babe but tougher to spell than Sharapova. Took me three tries.

Steiny: Hindu Kush? You’re giving me Hindu Kush? A mountain range in Afghanistan? That’s the best golf gig you can get for Tiger Woods right now? C’mon, man. ♣